Its September, time for another awards show on MTV! Welcome to CityCynic.com’s Liveblogging of the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards!
Britney Spears’ big COMEBACK PERFORMANCE, in five words: fat, lipsyncing, bad choreography, lackluster.
Don’t believe me? See for yourself:
Sarah Silverman, making fun of Paris and orifices, then Britney: “She has two of the cutest mistakes. They are just as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of.” Whoa, Sarah sure has a dirty mouth… and i love it, heh.
Alicia Keys: “What happens in Vegas… never happened.” Huh? Then she complimented Jennifer Hudson.
Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy at the Friends or Enemies party… cut to him talking at a party, with no audio.
Nicole (something) and Eve present Monster Single of the Year to Rihanna for Umbrella.
Rihanna looked hot in that tight pink dress. Apparently, MTV has been very supportive of her career since Day 1.
Kanye West at the Good Life party at the Palms.
Akon performs “Smack That” with a full horn section coming back from break. For some reason they bleeped out “sore” as in “smack that til you get sore” twice.
Bill Hader and Seth Rogen talk about how you (yes you!) can vote via text or Internet for Best New Artist.
“The new R&B Royalty” Robin Thicke and Jennifer Hudson present Quadruple Threat Award to Justin Timberlake.
Justin Timberlake thanks everyone at home for weatching MTV. He also challenged MTV “to play more videos!”
Cut to Fall Out Boy playing “Thanks for the Memories”. How does this group always look so together? THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, EVEN THOUGH THEY WEREN’T SO GREAT… Oh, sorry for singing along there. Awesome, they started destrouing everything, instruments, amps, and the set!
Kanye West and 50 Cent faceoff to present Earth-Shattering Collaboration in what can only be referred to as a professional wrestling staredown stunt (in this case, to sell more records). The award goes to Beyonce f/ Shakira for “Beautiful Liar”. Wow, Akon got shafted on both nominations — his collaboration with Eminem and Gwen Stefani.
Beyonce thanked Shakira, who couldn’t be there tonight, cause she’s in Canada for some reason.
Adam Levine from Maroon 5 is sitting in with the house band. Sounds pretty good with that horn section behind him.
Cut to Justin Timberlake and Timbaland a the Southern Hospitality party… complete with strippers and stripper poles. Now that’s a party. Actually, Justin is just clapping along this time and waving his hand in an R&B fashion. Oh, that was TI performing, okay.
Rosario Dawson (with long hair!) introduces Chris Brown who performs from an elaborate set as the black Charlie Chaplain in a 5 cent dance machine. Pretty creative! Derby hats all around. Finally, a performance tonight with some decent choreography. Whoa, there are lighted “table” dancing platforms among the crowd where Chris Brown and the other dancers are dancing. Cool. Now Chris Brown is jumping over audience members. Heads up!
Its not over! Rihanna appears in a derby hat of her own, in front of an checkerboard optical illusion background. You can stand under her umbrella-ella-ella-hey. Ack! Now Chris Brown is moonwalking to Michael Jackson, who, thankfully, isn’t in attendance. Back to more table dancing with little kid dancers! P. Diddy approves.
Cut to Kanye West at the Good Life party. Why does everyne have giant white-framed sunglasses at that party? All I understood in that song was “Out in stores October 2″.
Bill Hader and Seth Rogen remind people to pick their favorite loser for Best New Artist… or something like that. The joke isn’t funny anymore and you can tell from Bill Hader’s face that he would have cut the sketch if he was on SNL right now.
“The Hills” Girls present Male Artist of the Year to Justin Timberlake. VMA #2! Oh look, Justin made it from his party to come on stage. Timbaland decides to re-represent the award to Justin. Whatever Chris Brown just did reminded Justin that he’s getting older. “Damn!” And then: “MTV, play more videos! We don’t want to see more of the Simpsons reality stuff. Play more videos!”
Cut to Foo Fighters at Hotel Party #3562. Who is that singing with them? Could it be 1/2 of Gnarls Barkley, Cee-Lo? I think so.
50 Cent is performing at the Good Life party. Justin and Timbaland join in on the song. “She wants it, she wants it, she wants it, so I gotta give it to her…” “Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized.”
Shia LaBeouf has grown a moustache and leaks the official title of the new Indiana Jones movie he will star in. It will be called Indiana Jones: And the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He adds: “This is big news, people!” Most people in the crowd don’t think Harrison Ford is still alive, much less starring in a sequel. He presents Female Artist of the Year to Fergie, but she isn’t there tonight, so he calls for Ludicrous to come up, but he doesn’t want to.
Pamela Anderson pre-empts the announcer and then poorly babbles through several sexual innuendo jokes to introduce Kanye West… from the Good Life party. If he wasn’t singing, we’d think Kanye is taking us on a tour on Cribs or something. Wow, those helicopter shots into the party at the Palms are amazing! He sings: “I’m gonna get on MTV, momma!… I ain’t never seen Snakes on a Plane…”
You know, Justin Timberlake may have a point about MTV. Each commercial break is filled with commercials for new MTV reality shows… one about beauty pageant winners living together, another one starring Internet/MySpace star Tila Tequila trying to find a date. Geez! Enough already.
Cut to Fall Out Boy with Doug E. Fresh (I think) and Tiger(?) doing a cool remix of a FOB song.
Megan Fox introduces Timbaland in the nightclub Rain, also located somewhere in the hotel. Linkin Park performs “Bleed It Out”. Nice to see a rock performance tonight.
Kevin Connelly and Adrian Bernai (who is videotaping the audience) from Entourage present Best Group to Fall Out Boy, who is presented the VMA from a giant bunny rabbit. Pete holds up a Three-Peat sign. He mentions something about tuning in tonight to see who is wearing underwear and who’s a trainwreck.
Cut to the Foo Fighters party and look, its the System of a Down lead singer singing.
Cut to Rihanna singing “Shut Up and Drive” with Fall Out Boy. Too bad the crowd is totally not into it as she’s walking through the crowd.
Bill Hader and Seth Rogen are back (sigh) with previous loser Kid Rock. How bad has it been since he lost Best New Artist? Kid Rock: “Uh, I eat sh*t for breakfast.” Gee, that is bad.
Nelly is “a gambling mind”. Did he mention “lovely and talented. Did I mention lovely and talented”? Oh, he’s introducing Alicia Keys, wearing a strange headband. Oops, got distracted by a camera shadow across the frame. Hey, there’s P. Diddy again, enjoying himself. And some random guy trying not to be obvious while putting his digital camera practically into her face. What’s that behind the curtain? Its a whole band and a baby grand! Song medley mayhem ensues. Beyonce loves it and so did I.
Cut to the Good Life party with Kanye West and Common rapping.
More with Fall Out Boy and possibly Gym Class Heroes singing “Good Time Tonight”.
Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner present together. Jamie is “off the chain” and off the teleprompter and Jennifer has no idea what’s going on, but she’s having a lot of fun. Jamie reminds Diddy to “be respectful” by not talking while he’s presenting. They present Best New Artist to Gym Class Heroes, who doesn’t say anything buy downs a whole
Cut to Justin Timberlake and Timbaland with 50 Cent singing “In the Club” and strippers dancing all around.
Miss South Carolina Teen USA Caitlin Upton, “your favorite girl from the Internet” makes a surprise presentation and makes fun of herself. The joke went a little like this: “This show only airs one time because I personally believe that Nevada Las Vegans don’t have fun because some people out there don’t have meat. And I believe they should. Over here in this South America, we should help the Iran, the Pakistan, and everywhere, SUCH AS, TheWu Tang Clan, so we can better our future, SUCH AS…” LMAO!
And we’re back with Mary J. Blige introducing “the man who has changed all the rules”, “the most incredible producer of our time”, he apparently introduced us to a whole bunch of people including “50 Cents” (who is that? MC Half-a-Dollar? LOL.) Oh, its Dr. Dre, looking kinda old. Kanye, Diddy, and the audience give him a standing ovation.
Dre presents Video of the Year to Rihanna featuring Jay-Z for “Umbrella”. Whoa, another hot, pink dress.
Diddy was supposed to be up there with Kid Rock, but apparently Tommy Lee and Kid Rock actually got into a fight. Diddy says the party “is not gonna be over until he says its over.” Ack, he’s trying to take over the VMAs again! Diddy: “Stop the Rock and Roll violence!” Okay, enough Diddy, okay?
Cut to the Foo Fighters party with someone good performing, but I don’t know who because they can’t caption on the the run tonight.
Ack! Diddy is back, this time with Nelly and Ludacris and Lil Joc to introduce Timbaland, Justin Timberlake, and Nelly Furtado. Oh, and we’re all invited up to Diddy’s suite on the 23rd floor after the show.
Nelly Furtado is such a dynamic artist, isn’t she? I can never peg her into any particular genre. Nelly: “Do it like you do it to me. I’m buring up…” Here comes green laser-lit Timbaland with “The Way I Are” featuring Kim Burrell. And noe we’re getting Lovestoned with Justin Timberlake! Another classic Timberlake VMA performance. Do you see this Britney? Are you watching? This is the stuff you used to do! The performance continues back to Nelly Furtado, Timbaland, and Timberlake all saying “YEAH!”
And that’s the show.