Liveblogging the 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards!

Hi there folks and welcome to CityCynic.com’s Liveblogging of the 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards.

Conan O’Brien impressed me, as usual. The song and dance number about how NBC is in last place, while being televised on NBC, really pushed the limits. They made him change “last place” to “in the top 5″ though, he said.

Ellen Pompeo and Patrick “McDreamy” Dempsey presented Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series, reminding us that a new season of Grey’s Anatomy is on the way. Megan Mullaly from Will and Grace won.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Sean Hayes talk about the new, controversial Emmy voting process and how it actually got them nominated. Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series went to Alan Alda (in absentia).

Conan says the Emmy broadcast traditionally runs long. But this year, there will be consequences — Bob Newhart is in an airtight container with exactly three hours worth of air! It doesn’t look like anyone told Bob him that. If the Emmy’s run even one second over, Bob Newhart will die.

Conan tried to introduce the Sheens — Charlie and Martin, but the producers cut him off to cut to them walking out! Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series went to Blythe Danner, apparently for the cancelled show Huff. She guesses that she has to thank Showtime, even though they’re the ones who cancelled the show.

Jamie Pressley and Jason Lee present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series goes to Jeremy Piven for Entourage. He dedicated his first Emmy to his late father.

Christopher Meloni gets into Conan’s comedy bit, riding across the stage on a “Podium Segway.” They should look into that for future shows.

Dennis Haysbert and William Peterson present Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie to Kelly MacDonald for something. I don’t really catch many miniseries, so I don’t know what’s going on. But, whoa, she’s Irish! Listen to that brogue!

Conan always looks great with a moustache! Especially for the Telemundo simulcast’s Spanish-speaking viewers.

John Lithgow, Heidi Klum, and Jeffrey Tambor come out to present Outstanding Actor in a Variety, Music, or Comedy Series and we’re treated to clips of the nominees on seat filler’s handheld devices, as they’re sitting in the audience. Yes, there were iPods, but not solely iPods. I saw a Blackberry in there somewhere. Jon Stewart wins for The Daily Show! Stephen Colbert kissed him as he was walking towards the stage. Those two are always hilarious!

Jennifer Love Hewitt and John Livingston (from the new show Standoff) present the earlier-presented Guest Actor in a Comedy Series and Guest Actress in a Comedy Series to Leslie Jordan and 8-time record-holding Emmy winner Cloris Leachman. Leslie Jordan (who, incidently, was great as a guest star on Boston Legal) says its great to win an Emmy. In fact, the Emmy statuette is the first woman he’s ever slept with. Now that’s funny!

They then presented Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series goes to Marc Buckland (My Name is Earl). He hasn’t been this nervous since his Bar Mitzvah. He thanked his mom and dad (”Screw Conan!”), even though Conan specifically said not to earlier in the show.

They also present Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series to Greg Garcia (My Name is Earl). He doesn’t want to thank his 8th grade teacher who told him to sit down because he wasn’t funny, someone who made him clean gum off of the Executive Producer’s shoe while he was a PA on Step By Step, nor God Himself for taking his hair.

Simon Cowell comes out and tells us that Elvis first connected music with television. A tribute to Dick Clark — chock full of American Bandstand clips follows. Then one with all the Dick Clark Productions shows, including Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve through the years. And there’s Dick Clark, seated at a special podium-desk! He received a standing ovation. His voice is still off from the stroke and he couldn’t walk out onto the stage, but he looks the best ever.

Then he introduced Barry Manilow, singing the theme from American Bandstand with Dick Clark smiling as he sings to him. A pretty touching tribute.

From the new show 30 Rock, Emmy winner Tina Fey and homeowner Tracy Morgan presented Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Show to Barry Manilow. He said he’s taking it into the operating room tomorrow for good luck.

Conan is required by law to introduce the Emmy Accouting Team. That’s usually not exciting — until tonight! Its like the player introductions at a basketball game. Three of them run out and high five, and one more — Kareem Abdul Jabbar! Who knew he was on the team, too?!?

“A woman with two first names and a man with two last names,” Evangeline Lilly and Wentworth Miller present the already presented Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series and Guest Actress in a Drama Series to Patricia Clarkson and Christian Clemenson.

Christian Clemenson (who?) presents Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series between Big Love vs. Lost vs. Six Feet Under vs. The Sopranos vs. The Sopranos vs. 24 vs. The West Wing. John Cassar (24) won it. Apparently, “we’re working in the new Golden Age of television.”

Lilly and Miller present Outstanding Writing in a Drama Series between Grey’s Anatomy vs. Grey’s Anatomy vs. Lost vs. Six Feet Under vs. The Sopranos goes to Terrence Winter (The Sopranos). He’s from Brooklyn!

The Emmys are interactive this year, Conan tells us. You can go to the Emmy website and play along. Then you can go back to searching for porn.

Mariska Hargitay (”She has a beauty wars are fought over”) and Tom Selleck (”He has the kind of moustache that traps a lot of food.”) present Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie to Jeremy Irons for Elizabeth I.

Megan Mullaly and Howie Mandel present Directing in a Variety Show or Movie. Howie does a tired Deal or No Deal bit to find the winner. Howie’s ladies Louis Horvitz, who is directing tonight’s show from “the truck” back near the dumpster wins for the Academy Awards He even gets them ready to play him off.

They also present Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Series which has very creative ways of getting through lists of writers on the nominated shows: The Colbert Report has photos of bears for each person, including Smokey the Bear (Col-”bear” = bears, get it?), The Daily Show with Jon Stewart has a man flipping cue cards underwater and Jon even jumps in when he runs out of air, Late Night with Conan O’Brien has an outsourced Indian support staff as stand-ins, completed by one with a red-haired wig, The Late Show with David Letterman has clips of Spanish talk show guests fighting as stand-ins, Bill Maher’s show has right wing conservatives as stand-ins. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart wins!!! Stewart has decided he plans to kill Bob Newhart by wasting time. He gives a shout-out to “the Colbert folks who have been just pounding it out, night after night.”

Conan addresses the TiVo users watching this show tomorrow during breakfast by reading from a (Tivo-skipped) essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson comedy bit.

Hugh Laurie and Helen Mirren are both British, but Hugh Laurie provides the French translation of the nominnes for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie. The awards went to Andre Braugher for the cancelled show Thief.

From the new show Live from the Sunset Strip, Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry present Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series between The Office vs. Curb Your Enthusiasm vs. King of Queens vs. Monk vs. Two and a Half Men. Somehow, it went to Tony Shaloub from Monk. Boooooo!

There has been a terrible mistake, Tony. He’s so happy he’s finally been chosen “from such a talented group of losers, err, comedians, err, actors.”

Conan’s back to intro Candice Bergen. She is wearing a strange white and teal belted shirt and shirt combo. She makes a Food Channel joke and then intros the always boring Dick Askin. Apparently television is better than ever, he explained in monotone.

Joan Collins, Stephen Collins, and Heather Locklear present a tribute to their former boss, the late Aaron Spelling. Stephen Collins says Spelling made “television that simply tasted good.” Heather Locklear says, “Aaron was always more famous than the shows.” Joan Collins says that “he made many stars, and in her case, he re-invented one.”

Wow! Suddenly, its an original Charlie’s Angels reunion! (That’s Jaclyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett and Kate Jackson.) Amazing — they still look great. Television really was a different animal back then, when everyone gathered around the TV set to watch their favorite show. The “Angels” really gave a touching tribute, even though they surely will make the telecast go over tonight. Nice job by the producers in putting together such a moving tribute.

Eva Longoria (with a hot new short hairdo) and James Woods present. She welcomes Woods to television and they present Outstanding Made for Television Movie to The Girl in the Cafe, a movie about world poverty.

Conan returns to introduce “two presenters who have done for fake news what the FNC has done for fake news”: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Colbert welcomes all the “Godless Sodomites” that are Hollywood actors. He said he has to bring the truth. Then the two fake newsers have a prompter “pavel” joke, complete with a matching prompter reading bit. Colbert tells the actors to kneel before their false idol, the Emmy statuette.

Apparently Colbert is really upset he lost to “Copa Cobanna” Barry Manilow in his category earlier — “Singing isn’t a performance.” He wanted to at least hold Jon Stewart’s Emmys. The Amazing Race wins Outstanding Reality-Competition Program for the fourth year in a row. In six years, they’ve gone around the world 30 times. Really. Now that’s reality.

Conan makes a Lebanon and Israel joke, then introduces the beautiful Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) and Omar Epps (House). Heigl was really nervous to be on stage in front of all her peers. She mentions that both her and Epps are scrubs and also Scrubs. They present Outstanding Directing in a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Series to Kevin Hooper for Elizabeth I.

They also present Outstanding Writing in a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Series to — wow, Heigl looks great — the in absentia Kevin Harris for The Girl in the Cafe.

James Gandolfini and Edie Falco are thinking about the troops overseas and want them to come home safe. They present the Emmy for Outstanding Miniseries to Elizabeth I, which is cleaning up tonight. Must have been good. Another HBO program, right?

And then the annual “In Memoriam” tribute montage to those that have passed this year, including Don Adams, Michael Piller (Star Trek: TNG/DS9 producer), Red Buttons, Mike Douglas, Pat Morita, Al “Grandpa” Lewis, Don Knotts, John Spencer, Shelley Winters, and Richard Pryor.

Felicity Huffman and Keifer Sutherland present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie to Helen Mirren for (what else?) Elizabeth I.

And look, its Calista Flockhart and TV’s Craig Ferguson! Craig welcomes Calista back to television and she invites him back to TV, too (ha, ha…). He Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series to Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU), who tributes the award to her husband, Christopher Meloni (”who makes everyone around him better”), and her father.

Tyra Banks and Victor Garber got their comedy bit cut because the program is running late, but they still presented Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series to Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who beat “the Curse” with her first Emmy since Seinfeld! She knew she was forgetting to thanks someone, but the Emmy director reminded her by repeatedly cutting to her husband. Oops!

Virginia Madsen and Ray Liotta presented Outstanding Lead Actor in a Dramatic Series between Peter Krause (Six Feet Under) vs. Denis Leary vs. Christopher Meloni vs. Martin Sheen vs. Keifer Sutherland. The Emmy goes to Keifer Sutherland for 24 — his first Emmy win and 9th Emmy nomination. Looks like he beat his version of “the Curse,” too. He’s going to have to have dinner with his father, now, he said. Donald Sutherland liked that joke. Receiving the award reminds him that he’s been given too much in life.

He look, there’s Conan again. He presents the Emmy for Best Comedy Series with Bob Newhart, finally released from his airtight container. According to Conan, the majority of audience callers wanted him to live — a whole 52%! And 6%… had no opinion.

Its Arrested Development vs. Curb Your Enthusiasm vs. The Office vs. Scrubs vs. Two and a Half Men. And The Office wins! Conan is visibly excited. He even gave a fist pump.

Ohhh, its because the winner is Conan’s former comedy-writing roommate. They apparently promised each other that one day Conan would one day host the Emmys, he would win one on the same night… and they would also one day both lose their virginity. He hopes that will come true someday. He’s proud to call the talented Steve Carell his meal ticket.

Annette Benning comes out to present Outstanding Drama Series (this is the big one!) between Grey’s Anatomy, House, The Sopranos, 24, and The West Wing. And the winner is 24!

And that’s it for this year’s liveblogging of the 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards! Conan O’Brien was a great host this year! See you next time, folks!