Liveblogging the 78th Academy Awards

CityCynic.com presents Liveblogging the 78th Academy Awards…

8:00 PM - Billy Crystal, Chris Rock, Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg, David Letterman, and Mr. Moviephone don’t want to host this year. So that leaves Jon Stewart, who is in bed with Halle Berry, no wait, it’s actually George Clooney. Best opening… ever!

8:05 PM - Jon Stewart starts out slow, then picks up steam. “I have some sad news. Bjork couldn’t make it. Bjork was trying on her Oscar dress this year… and Dick Cheney shot her.”

8:13 PM - No gay themes in Westerns? The clip package was hilarious.

8:16 PM - Nicole Kidman presents Best Supporting Actor to George Clooney for Syriana.

8:25 PM - Tom Hanks does a taped Oscar speech demo — this year the Orchestra attacks to get the winners of stage promptly!

8:27 PM - Ben Stiller comes out in some sort of green pajamas for Excellence in Visual Effects. “This is blowing Spielberg’s mind!” Spielberg: “No it isn’t.” Oscar goes to King Kong.

8:30 PM — Reese Witherspoon presents Best Animated Feature, which goes to Wallace and Grommet, Cruse of the Were Rabbit. They came out with giant bowties and matching bowties for their Oscars.

8:34 PM - Naomi Watts intoduces a musical performance from the Transamerica soundtrack by Dolly Parton… coming to you “from Dollywood to Hollywood.” The performance brought Felicity Huffman to tears.

8:42 PM - Jon Stewart pretends to preach Scientology during the commercial break. Luke and Owen Wilson present Oscar for Live Action Short Film to Six Shooter.

8:45 PM - Chicken Little and his co-star come out on the stage to present Best Animated Short. “The ducks never wear pants!” The Moon and the Sun wins. [NYU shout out!]

8:48 PM - Jennifer Aniston presents Best Costume Oscar to the Colleen Atwood from Memoirs of a Geisha.

8:51 PM - Russell Crowe presents clips of real people movies were based on.

8:57 PM - Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell come out with some terrible, yet hilarious, makeup jobs. Carell is wearing a fragrance called Pineapple Bliss. Chronicles of Narnia wins.

9:00 PM - Jon Stewart rips on Russell Crowe with a fight joke. Then he wants to pull down the giant Oscar statue to bring democracy to Hollywood. They gave out some technical awards at an earlier time in Beverly Hills.

9:03 PM - Morgan Freeman presents Best Supporting Actress to Rachel Weisz in the Constant Gardener.

9:16 PM - Jon Stewart discusses lobbying in Hollywood with a run of Daily Show-type political spots for Oscar nominees, voiceovers. “Keira Knightley, Acting while Beautiful” was the best part.

9:18 PM - Terrance Howard presents Best Documentary Short to A Note of Triumphant. “Attention must be paid.”

9:21 PM - Charlize Theron presents Best Feature to March of the Penguins, who brought up stuffed Emperor penguins. In 2041, the children who saw the movie will vote to renew the Antarctic

9:24 PM - Jennifer Lopez intros musical performance from Crash by Cathleen “Bird” York. With an wwesome car wreck in flames set behind the singer!

9:32 PM - Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves present Oscar for Best Art Direction to Memoirs of a Geisha.

9:36 PM - Samuel L. Jackson presents clips about patriotism, unions, racism, and other major societal issues and lost causes. “Fighting for Justice.” Jon Stewart: “And none of those issues were ever a problem… again.”

9:41 PM - The President of the Academy: State-of-the-art technology versus State-of-the-Heart Storytelling. Technology will change, but storytelling lives on. So yeah, basically a plea for people to go see movies in actual movie theaters. He also mentions six major movie productions are filming in and around New Orleans.

9:44 PM - Salma Hayek tells us how music helps create the mood. And then shows us the Oscar Orchestra. And now it’s time for selections from the five Original Score nominated films. Itzak Perlman plays beautifully on his violin. I didn’t realize how memorable the theme from Brokeback Mountain was until hearing it be played live.

9:48 PM - Salma Hayek’s back to present the Oscar for Best Original Score to the Argentinian composer from Brokeback Mountain. Director Ang Lee looks on proudly.

9:56 PM - Jon Stewart does a state of the show update. Going pretty well, but wait! Was Perlman finger-syncing in his performance?!?! Well no, no he wasn’t.

9:57 PM - Jake Gyllenhaal throws to a “larger than life” clip montage featuring Ben Hur, 10 Commandments, Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, Titanic, King Kong, etc. Funny how Jake laughed at the copy written for him about

10:00 PM - Jon Stewart announces that the show is totally out of clips and that later we’ll have an Oscar tribute to clip montages.

10:01 PM - Jessica Alba and Eric Bana present the Sound Mixing Oscar to King Kong. The sound mixers do a Kiwi chant and grunt to finish off their acceptance speech. “Go Kiwis!”

10:03 PM - Meryl Streep and Lilly Tomlin have some “trouble” reading the prompter. When will the copy end… Soon, I hope. That might have been a cute homage to Robert Altman for the Honorary Oscar, but it came off as sort of disrespectful.

10:10 PM - After a clips package, Robert Altman didn’t seem to mind the jumbled intro by Tomlin and Streep. He is honored to accept the award, but he always thought getting an award like this meant it was over. But then he realized he’s in the middle of a bunch of projects and that it’s not over. He wants to thank everyone that’s worked with on his films. “Making a film is like making a sandcastle on the beach with your friends. You create it, sit back and have a drink. Then the tide comes in and takes it away.” He’s made 40 sandcastles over the years. He announces he had a total heart transplant 10 years ago and that this award might be too early, since he got that heart from a 30-something woman, so he still has 40 years to go on it.

10:18 PM - Ludacris introduces Cedric Coleman performing “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp.” Remember, don’t judge a song by it’s title. Wall decor is apparently hard for a pimp, as well. Cardboard cup holders “wallpaper” looks great for pimps.

10:22 PM - Queen Latifah walks out to “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp.” “How was I not involved in that number?” The Queen presents the Oscar for Best Original Score to “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp.” Go figure, they went to the wrong microphone. It’s hard up there for a pimp.

10:25 PM - Jon Stewart thinks “it just got a little easier out here for a pimp.” He predicts a dreidel-off between 36 Mafia and Itzhak Perlman. Time for another political-type parody piece v/o’ed by Colbert for the Sound Editing Oscar. Not as funny to reuse the same gag, but still entertaining.

10:27 PM - Jennifer Garner almost slips while walking out on the stage. She quickly regains her composure (”I do my own stunts.”) to present the Oscar for Best Sound Editing to King Kong.

10:30 PM - Finally, it’s “dreamboat” George Clooney, ready to remember those that the movie industry has lost…

10:37 PM - Will Smith presents Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film to Tsotsi. What an emotional speech…

10:40 PM - Jon Stewart gives us a score update: Martin Scorcese: 0 Oscars, 3-6 Mafia 1 Oscar.

10:41 PM - The beautiful Ziyi Zhang presents the Best Film Editing Oscar to Hughes Winborne from Crash. He walks the wrong way on stage, but then finds the microphone and then tells the conductor not to start playing (”I can see you.”).

10:44 PM - Hillary Swank presents the Oscar for Best Lead Actor to Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote (his first Oscar). Hoffman is visibly shaken by winning.

10:54 PM - Jon Stewart is back thanking the Orchestra for a job well done. They’ve been down in the pit all week. He offers them a snack-size candy bar to split between themselves.

10:55 PM - John Travolta presents Oscar for Best Cinematography to Dion Bebe for Memoirs of a Geisha.

10:57 PM - Jamie Foxx (who says he’ll be attending the 3-6 Mafia afterparty) presents the Oscar for Best Female Lead to Reese Witherspoon (her first award) for Walk the Line.

11:07 PM - Dustin Hoffman presents the Oscar for Best Adaptation to Brokeback Mountain. We get an ode to books from a nice guy with a crooked bowtie and jeans!

11:12 PM - Uma Thurman presents the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay to Crash. Quotes a quote: “Art is not a mirror to hold up to society, but a hammer, in which to shape it.” Dedicates the award to people who stand up to intolerance for peace and justice.

11:17 PM - Jon Stewart harps on the guy wearing jeans. “I didn’t know we were allowed to wear jeans.”

11:18 PM - Tom Hanks presents the Best Director Oscar to Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain. “The characters in the movie not only show us the relationships between gay people, but show us the greatness of love itself.”

11:22 PM - Jack Nicholson presents the Oscar for Best Picture of the Year to Crash. Everybody is surprised! The entire cast is jumping up and down in the aisles! “We are humbled by the other nominees in this category.”

11:29 PM - Jon Stewart wishes everyone a good night.

Thanks for joining CityCynic.com for another evening of liveblogging the Academy Awards!